Friday, January 8, 2010

The Beginning

When Lydia was in the hospital, I dreamt of her. It's the only time she's been in my dreams to this day. I dreamt that I was in a huge hotel and I'd left her in a room. Only I couldn't remember which room it was so I was going up and down the halls trying to figure out where she'd been taken. The meaning is obvious so I don't think it needs any explanation.

Last night I had a dream. I was pregnant with another child. I was getting ready for the c-section and another pregnant lady asked, "How far along are you?" I told her, 33 weeks. In my dream, there was an excitement that I had reached 33 weeks. Until I realised that it wasn't 33 weeks; it was actually 23 weeks and even earlier than what Lydia had been. There wasn't any reaction to the realisation, it was just that. Until I woke up of course. It took the air from my lungs and weighed heavily on my heart and mind. Not that the baby was early. That there was a baby at all.

I've been dealing with some inner conflict lately and it's time for it to be resolved. I'm so interested in ensuring that others are happy. It doesn't matter if it's work, home, or play. I accommodate. I bend. I compromise. I placate. I feel an obligation to others. This servile nature of mine does not serve me. It holds me back both personally and professionally. I find it difficult to stand up for what I believe in and what I know to be true. I spend my time boosting other people's belief in self and stressing about their happiness; I forget to work on my own. It's at the expense of my own peace of mind. At the expense of my sanity. At the expense of my happiness. I know from where this stems. And yet this is my bed. I won't lie in it.

I haven't seen myself as a strong individual in some time. I'm not quite sure why I chose to nurture dependence on others, or to give others control of my happiness. At some point last year, I realised it was ridiculous. I was fighting myself. I don't know if it was turning 30, having Lydia... a combination of the two? A dream, an article and a book made me realise that my actions must reflect my intentions.

I intend to hold my family's physical, mental, emotional, financial health and happiness above all else.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be a completely different person. I just intend to be much happier now. I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness. I begin by sharing how grateful I am to have:
  • A stable, loving husband
  • A beautifully healthy daughter
  • 2 rambunctious dogs (well 1 rambunctious dog, and 1 rather lazy dog)
  • A roof over my head, and finances to cover the bills
  • A job that I enjoy
  • Hobbies that I love
  • Family and friends that are respectful and supportive
  • Enough time to make changes
Thank You.


Renegade Parent said...

Hello. Excellent to hear - it sounds like you have done the hardest work of all in figuring some of those things out.

Having a full term baby (never mind a preemie) was a *big* wake up call to me - how could I be responsible for nurturing someone else in that way if I wasn't taking responsibility and caring for myself? And turning 30 encouraged me to become more reflective.

Lots of work yet to do - but some people never reach that point. So congratulations to you my dear. Lisa xx

de said...

Very powerful message here girl and very inspiring. I can relate to so many of the things you wrote... and I have been seeking some way to find happiness. Haven't come up with much so far, but you've inspired me to look harder. Maybe we can share some thoughts off-line. I'm happy you're on your way...